I'm Sad and That's Okay - Cash Register Contemplations

I was recently diagnosed with early onset Dysthymia with severe intermittent Major Depressive Disorder

​

It means I am always sad, and often even sadder
Finally, a several words to describe one of my many facets
This one perhaps on the gloomier side, yes, but a part of me all the same

This helps explain that squirmy feeling I get when people ask me how I’m doing
You know the one;

Where you feel your mind go blank as you struggle to combine honesty with decency and how to condense the human experience into a socially acceptable response?

​

I sometimes answer with the usual, “Fine thanks”, when that is relatively true, or a quip or neutral, “I’m here.” when perhaps it isn’t

Then, more often than not, that is followed with a, “Just okay?” or, “Well, I hope your day gets brighter”, from the well-meaning

​

I know what they are saying, why we do this, and why I feel relief when I can respond with a genuine, “doing good, thanks”

It’s nice, it’s polite, and generally appreciated Honesty can be uncomfortable or take too long

Maybe I just don’t know how I’m doing and haven’t stopped to reflect on that yet

 

Most of the time when people ask me how I’m doing, I don’t know how to answer because it never seems to be satisfying (enough)

I pride myself on being an honest and forthright person but struggle to condense myself into one digestible bite-size piece of personal information

​

Until I was diagnosed with early onset Dysthymia with severe intermittent Major Depresressive Disorder

Because now when people ask me how I’m doing I have an answer,

”I’m sad, and that’s okay.”

​

​

- N25